Marie and "South Pacific"

Niece Marie and I took the train (what a civilized way to travel!) from Washington, DC to New York to experience “South Pacific.” My mother loved musicals and I remember seeing the film and listening to the soundtrack as a kid.

We sat at the back of the theater as the proscenium rolled back, the lights came up to reveal the orchestra playing the overture. I closed my eyes to concentrate on the music, recalling the sounds from my childhood, “Some Enchanted Evening,” “Younger Than Springtime” and, of course, “Bloody Mary.”

At the intermission I explained the backstory, why Nellie marrying a French planter with biracial children was, well, difficult. That Lieutenant Cable even thinking about leaving his fiancée at home, much less implying making love – or is it having sex? – without “benefit of marriage” in an interracial marriage was unacceptable, unmentionable, closed to discussion. I continued, telling her about Civil Rights, the 60’s . . .

She looked at me as if I were from another planet. Filipinos, African Americans, East Asians, Latinos and Anglos – her friends include all.

"Biracial?" she asked. "What's that?"

I smiled.

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Tsunami adventure and leadership

Earlier this year my cousin’s son left Long Beach, California on his 43-foot Mason sailboat, headed for New Zealand. J has been emailing trip updates with the ups and the downs. Nearly every thing that could break has, sometimes more than once. I used to think sailing around the world would be great fun. I now know my sailing will be limited to maybe a week.

Crew members have come and gone, catching up with him at port, and then leaving for home from another port. J has been an excellent leader, and captain of his ship, working with crew members to repair the boat, arranging for parts to be shipped, dealing with harbormasters and learning from other sailors.

J was moored in American Samoa when yesterday’s tsunami hit. E, one of the intermittent crew members, was ashore, noticed the water receding and yelled to the guys on the boat, which was tied at the end of the dock. They grabbed the knives, which were in their usual place, cut their lines and headed to deep water.

The other boaters were not as fortunate. By the time they untied their lines their keels were sitting on the muddy bottom—no one had been allowed to anchor. The docks heaved up and over the boats. E tried to return to the boat during the surge and was swept in between the boat and the dock. She squeezed out and ran for high ground with another boater. He was swept off the dock and drowned. She got to a light pole and grabbed it. Someone saw her in water to her waist when the wave hit—about ten feet high. Then the surge hit and she was completely submerged. Ship containers, sailboats and huge rocks were flying around her. She held her breath for “a long time” and finally felt the water recede. Fortunately, she was on the side of the pole the surge slammed into, so it pushed her into the pole. She doesn’t think she could have held on had she been on the opposite side.

J's boat doesn’t have a scratch on her, the only boat out of dozens to escape damage. There are many total property losses in addition to lives lost. When J awoke the day after the tsunami, he noticed the pilings that had been even with his site were ten feet above his head.

J is leadership in action. His crew and he knew what to do in case of an emergency. The knives were where they should be and all three men acted in unison. Nothing could be done for E at the time because she was sprinting down the dock toward shore.

How would you act in an emergency?

Vivian

"That's quite a ring."

I've heard this many times. Vivian gave it to me. She lived across the hall while I was in medical school in Houston. She was in her sixties and called me her "little sister across the halls and across the generations."

Vivian had followed her mother and grandmother into acting. She had a voice that carried to the next country--resonant, slightly accented and measured. She had presence, both on and off the stage. She had been divorced three times and had a son who rarely visited. Captain Jack gave the ring to her grandmother.

The ring is a huge amethyst, 3/4" X 1/2" and reminds me of the power of the older generation--mentoring, talking, sharing stories.

As Vivian aged she became demented and entered a nursing home. I flew from Denver to Houston to see her for what would be the last time. I stopped at the front desk.

"I'm Dr. Cary, here to visit Vivian."

"She's in the Alzheimer's unit, which is locked. You know, Alzheimer's patients wander." The receptionist called the unit so I could be admitted.

"Where's Vivian?" I asked the person who let me in.

"Over there, in the wheel chair."

I walked over. Vivian was using her feet to "walk" her wheelchair.

"Vivian, it's Maggi."

She looked up, her eyes moving to recognition as she focused on mine.

"Yeees."

I knelt next to her. "It's been a while."

She slowly smiled, nodding her head.

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drmaggi[at]auntsandnieces[dot]com

Aunts and tough economic times

Several of our readers have asked what they can do for nieces and nephews who are having tough times in the challenging economy. What are some of the actions you have done to help your family members, including for those who are reluctant to accept charity from you?

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drmaggi [at] auntsandnieces [dot] com

Building Bridges

Thank you to reader C for the following:

A similar situation happened to me, and while it wasn't a blood relative, the following strategy worked all the same.

If you are the affected party, then I think it's important to take the high road and initiate contact. In doing so, you show leadership, maturity and the ability to reach out to family despite tough times. If she chooses to not reciprocate, then at least you have shown the intent and it is her choice. I would also advocate setting and respecting her boundaries.

If you choose to contact her, I suggest writing an old fashioned letter because it has weight and she can hold your words in her hands. It also gives her time to think things over. As for content, I suggest withholding any judgment and instead show understanding or empathy, ask for or give forgiveness if appropriate, and inspire the niece to regain contact.

It is hard to resist an olive branch, especially when done with grace and when you allow someone to save face.

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drmaggi [at] auntsandnieces [dot] com

Shortly after my last blog I started Georgetown University's Leadership Coaching Certification program, in which I have been immersed until now. I wanted to learn more about coaching and working with others to achieve their goals, develop skills and work through challenges. I have loved every minute of the class and my classmates. With a nod to the Grateful Dead, what a long—and all too short, strange—and at the same time familiar—trip it's been. Learning new techniques and insights had given me tools for work and also for interacting with my nieces and nephews.

Every January I join a group of women for Spa Amigas week at Ixtapán de la Sal, about an hour from Toluca, Mexico. I overheard my seatmate talking with her daughter on her mobile telephone. Her conversation was that of a Master Coach and client. My friend did not provide answers. She gently probed for her daughter's thoughts and opinions.

When she finished her call I said, "I couldn't help overhearing your conversation with your daughter. How did you learn to be so open with her, so nonjudgmental?"

"By making many, many mistakes, and being willing to change."

If she can be open to change with her daughter, perhaps we might look at our interactions with my nieces. I resolved to be more of a coach, to work more with my nieces on their agendas and to have no preconceived ideas. At any given time I may be a hero to some of my nieces and the opposite to others.

Recently one of our readers asked me for my suggestions on mending fences with her niece who had cut off contact with her. Our reader is bewildered and asked for my advice. In coaching mode, I asked what she thought she could do.

"This is why I'm writing you! Do you have any suggestions?"

What suggestions do you have for her?

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drmaggi [at] auntsandnieces [dot] com

Coming back

Another loooong hiatus--hanging with Ann, then niece Marie came from California for her summer visit. Lots of stories coming up about Marie and www.rockportinstitute.com and about Ann and her sister's wedding. She was maid of honor and looked fabulous in her long dress and strawberry blonde hair in an upstyle. Marie said she looked like a duchess, with her older sister the princess in a stunning long dress with a train. The wedding was held at the Dallas arboretum, a stunning venue.

I'm in the midst of moving house--from a cozy rental to a slightly larger version a couple of blocks (and another zip code) away. I bought the house with the plan to renovate it. My friends who have renovated said it would take more time and money, and that has been the case. I am moving into a construction zone--no kitchen. Chaos Central. Right now I feel as if I am in a smaller version of New York, with stacks of boxes as skyscrapers.

More to follow.

Dr. Maggi